Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Traveler’s camo
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.