So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.