Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.