My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale