So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
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“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.