King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank