This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 馃幍 The Exact Same World馃幍
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
馃槻 WTF? 馃槅
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
It鈥檚 perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
馃悤馃嵎
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day