Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
You Might Also Like
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.