ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
prepare for carbonated trouble
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office