Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
You Might Also Like
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]