If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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Guy who likes music
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood