@sannewman

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

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@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

@ericsshadow

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

@smiles_and_nods

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

@Chloestylo

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

@LitBiden

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

@sheann828

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

@Holy_Mowgli

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes