Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”


Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.


Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.


I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.


Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..


[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.


Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?


[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?