@yoyoha Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
@phxguy88 I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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@yoyoha 
@QueenVofCoffee Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
@meantomyself I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
@carlyken Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
@tastefactory Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
@KevinBuffalo Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
@joeislamo Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
@noog 80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
@TomItUp “You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
@gavinprobably My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.