I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles