I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Okay this one takes it home
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold