@phxguy88

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

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@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@QueenVofCoffee

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

@meantomyself

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

@carlyken

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

@tastefactory

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

@KevinBuffalo

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

@joeislamo

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@noog

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

@gavinprobably

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.