I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
bought wrong eggs
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge