@ddsmidt

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

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@BoomBoomBetty

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

@RiotGrlErin

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

@inurnightdress

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

@XennDad

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

@ch000ch

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

@wickedimproper

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

@Brampersandon_

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

@Swishergirl24

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

@Bandersnaaatch

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”