Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.


normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.


I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?


Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*


would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”


Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?


STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business


If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.


Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.


Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”