Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.