HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
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It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.