Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
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What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food