Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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What the dentist sees
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Livid.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.