What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
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Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I know karate and tons of other words.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.