I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.