me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
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[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.