Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun