Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
You Might Also Like
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”