The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.