I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
You Might Also Like
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
first you must answer his riddles
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
incredible book dedication
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*