@waydybee Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
@lynyrdsbackyard I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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@waydybee 
@brandynmacd Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
@ObscureGent I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
@stevevsninjas Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
@iGreenGod My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
@batsVsupes 
@A_single_bear I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
@BillFienberg Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
@marcmack My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
@BrandonVine I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.