@lynyrdsbackyard

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

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@waydybee

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

@brandynmacd

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

@ObscureGent

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

@stevevsninjas

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

@iGreenGod

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

@BillFienberg

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

@marcmack

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

@BrandonVine

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.