incredible book dedication
![]()
You Might Also Like
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
![]()
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
🤣🤣🤣🤣
![]()
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
when revenge coincides with naptime
![]()
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists