incredible book dedication
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Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.