Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
You Might Also Like
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past