Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.