Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
You Might Also Like
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
selena gomez
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?