Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.