For anyone who needs this today
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.