Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I’m being attacked 😭
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids