A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
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I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.