if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
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The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
thank god
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
your honor my client chooses dare
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head