please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
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A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*