Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.