This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
You Might Also Like
79.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭