Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Mood.. 😂
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Put the is in disheveled
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.