There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
6. me as a lawyer
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Never ghost your hitman.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”