I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
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I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else