YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.![]()
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
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Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.