Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
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A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
This forever.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn