to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.