[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.