I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My brain is a bad influence on me
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.