Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
The only equipped I am is ill.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Seems legit
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.