My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
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Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
what?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
The “baby” on the left….
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.