Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question