I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI