[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
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*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
pelicons
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Life hack
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Buck naked
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.