When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist