@StashTheTash

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

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@nursemella

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

@markedly

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

@ColoradoCrow

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

@nayele18maybe

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

@graceupongracie

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

@OrdinaryAlso

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

@skankymunter

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

@no_talent_shan

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@DairylandDon

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”