@StashTheTash
@nursemella *pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
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@nursemella 
@markedly HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
@ColoradoCrow Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
@nayele18maybe What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
@graceupongracie My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
@OrdinaryAlso what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
@skankymunter You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
@no_talent_shan my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
@sofarrsogud My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
@DairylandDon No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”