*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”