if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
What I say:
Get in the car
What my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.