When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap


BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.


My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”


Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets


It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.


What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop


[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]


Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?


Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.


Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.