I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Time for evil
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.